


Primus is a Magpie

by vericus



Series: Sparks AUs [6]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Humour, Mechs turn human
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 09:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/620618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vericus/pseuds/vericus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Megatron has found a new reason to kill Optimus.  Which he'll start on right as soon as he's done enjoying being human with Alex...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Primus is a Magpie

**Author's Note:**

> Because the Boomstick brigade pretty much decided this is what would happen if Alex met Primus.

With all the excitement over moving Cybertron into the sol system via Sentinel's space bridge, it was understandable that Optimus decided to disappear for a little while with his human charge. The Allspark had let Megatron out of the Valley finally - probably because he'd sworn to work with Optimus to help rebuild Cybertron, so long as the Prime actually focused on their home planet and not on Earth. Still, having to deal with his brother and the Decepticons, along with all of his Autobots, _and_ human diplomats and governments, left Optimus with the desire for a break. So he nabbed Alex, the only human allowed on Cybertron at the moment, and took off.

"Seriously, are we going much deeper? Because I'm not claustrophobic or anything, but I'm rapidly discovering a dislike of being this far underground," Alex said over her space-suit's comm link. Cybertron didn't have a breathable atmosphere for humans, and probably never would, despite how even Starscream seemed to be engaged in the puzzle of how to do so without causing irreversible corrosive damage to Cybertron's core structure.

"Relax, Alex. There has never been a tunnel collapse on this particular route," Optimus said reassuringly.

"That's just means it's overdue for one," Alex said tensely. Optimus chuckled. Alex made a rude noise, and they continued in silence for a long moment. "So where are we going?" Alex finally asked.

"I told you - I have something I want to show you," he said.

"And what, precisely, could you want to show me?"

"You'll see."

"So it's a surprise."

"Of a sort."

"You know how I feel about surprises, Optimus."

"I do."

Alex let out an irritated snort, but settled in on his shoulder some more, seeming resigned to the trip. She looked around with interest now, though, and Optimus knew she was trying to guess where they were going. Unless she had some snippet of Allspark knowledge he wasn't aware of, however, he doubted she'd figure it out. Perhaps if he'd taken the main route, with its plethora of glyphwork, but this was the back route, to be used only by the Prime and High Protector. It was achingly plain, harkening back to the first days of the Primacy, when Cybertron hadn't been as developed or wealthy.

"We're almost there," Optimus said as he rounded another corner.

"We're going to a dead-end?" Alex said, unimpressed, and Optimus chuckled as he stepped closer. Alex squawked in surprise as the end of the tunnel slid apart, the hidden doors revealing a small, round room. Optimus stepped inside quickly, hoping for the doors to shut before Alex realized what the 'room' was. "Wait. Fuck. This is an elevator."

"Indeed it is," Optimus said blithely as the doors finished closing. Over his sub-comm, the car gave a brief countdown before starting to descend.

"And we're going down. Are you kidding me?! I said no more down!" Alex whined.

"And I told you to relax," Optimus said with a laugh.

"I hate you so much right now," Alex grumbled. "Surprises AND spelunking. This day can't get any worse."

"Then that only leaves room for it to improve." Optimus had to fight to hold back a snicker at that, because Alex was glaring at him, and his sensors were telling him that a slight charge was building in her. And as hilarious as it was to see the look on her face when she accidentally zapped a mech with Allspark energy, here was not the place.

The elevator finally stopped, and Optimus stepped out. The hallway was more decorated down here, but the glyphwork was, fortunately, only decorative. Alex's ability to read Cybertronian had been a surprise, but not unwelcome until just now, when Optimus wanted to surprise her. The hallway in front of them was short, and Optimus covered it quickly, pausing at the door to enter his code. He paused in surprise as he realized the door wasn't locked, when he clearly remembered doing so before he left Cybertron. Conscious of the identity of the one other mech that could have unlocked the door, Optimus proceeded more cautiously as the door slid open, passing into a decently-sized opulent room, covered in precious metals and fancy decorations. Script covered the walls of this chamber, and glancing over, Optimus saw Alex craning her head around, trying to read it all. He didn't give her time, heading for the other door in the room.

There was no sound from Alex as they stepped into the main Temple of Primus, but Optimus, watching her, saw the way her attention was suddenly and completely on the glowing wall to their right. Technically, it wasn't a wall at all, but part of Primus's spark, and Optimus felt the soothing presence of the deity wash over him. The Prime carefully lifted Alex off his shoulder and set her on the floor, so that she could get closer or farther away as she wanted. Optimus himself turned his attention to Primus, and stepped up until he was within arms reach of the glowing spark, feeling the presence of it encompass him. He gladly let Primus see into every part of him, let him see why he had come, what he'd hoped to be granted today.

The peaceful feeling was interrupted when a hand suddenly clamped down on his arm harshly, and he looked over in startled surprise to find Megatron snarling at him.

"You brought a human _here?!_ " the former High Protector hissed.

"It is a temple. None are forbidden from entering it," Optimus replied calmly, and as usual when he was in this Temple, he honestly couldn't tell if the words came from him or Primus.

"None who _believe_ ," Megatron snarled.

"You think Alexandra does not?" Optimus asked, tilting his head to the side. Megatron paused, his optics turning to search out the small human woman. Optimus followed his gaze, both surprised and not to find Alex right at the edge of the floor, one arm outstretched as she stared in fascination at the spark that was beyond her reach. Even as Optimus and Megatron watched, however, a tendril snaked out from the spark, brushing against her hand, and Alex's eyes slipped closed as she smiled softly.

Then, unexpectedly, alarm crossed her features, and her eyes snapped open.

"No no no, that's a _terrible_ idea!" she squawked. What, exactly, was a terrible idea, they didn't have time to ask, because Primus's spark exploded outwards.

\---

Optimus groaned as he came to, feeling fuzzy-headed and wondering what in Primus's name had happened to have him feeling _this_ bad. Primus. That twigged something, and he frowned. He'd taken Alex to see Primus. Megatron had been there, and...

Optimus's eyes snapped open as he abruptly sat upright.

"Alex?" he called instinctively.

"Behind you, trying not to get an eyeful."

Optimus turned, sighed in relief as he saw his human charge sitting there, determinedly not looking at him as she built a cairn out of rocks. Optimus blinked at that, and then his surroundings registered. He frowned as he looked around, seeing an idyllic grassy clearing in the midst of a forest. Somewhere nearby, water burbled.

"When did we get to Earth?"

"We didn't. Also, that's what you're asking first? Really?" Alex gave him an amused look.

"Why? What should I be asking first?" Optimus asked curiously.

"PRIME. WHY THE FRAG AM I HUMAN!"

"That, probably," Alex said brightly as she turned with amusement towards the sound of Megatron's voice. Optimus might have followed her gaze, and subsequently been extremely confused as to why Megatron was, in fact, human - except the Prime was a little caught up in the fact that apparently _he_ was human, too. He stretched out his now flesh-covered arms in shock, flexing his hands as he tried to comprehend the fact that yes, these were _his_ arms.

Further explanation or exploration was cut off as he suddenly found himself attacked, bowled over by another form. The familiar snarl and glare, along with the growled insults, made it easy to identify Megatron, and Optimus felt a small spurt of a disappointment that the first thing his brother would do in a new form is try to kill him. That didn't stop him from fighting back, though, and they grappled, rolling around on the ground. It became clear fairly quickly that they were evenly matched, but despite the fact that neither of them could win, they continued - until a sharp whistle caught both of their attention, causing them to look instinctively towards the source.

"As fun as it is to watch you two roll around naked on the ground," Alex drawled. "You might want to save the fighting for later." Optimus blinked, and he and Megatron looked at each other. Megatron scowled.

"She has a point," Optimus commented.

"Very well. Later,” Megatron sneered, and rolled away and onto his feet. Optimus clambered up, as well, and when he looked back towards Alex, she seemed suddenly fascinated with a tree off to their left.

“We should find out what happened, and where we are,” Optimus said calmly.

“That isn’t actually all that hard,” Alex said, looking back towards him. “I happen to know the answer to both, in fact.”

“Oh?” Optimus asked curiously.

“Yep.” Alex rocked back on her heels.

“Well? Are you going to tell us?” Megatron snarled.

“You’re not going to like it.”

“We still need to know,” Optimus said hurriedly, before Megatron could snap something else.

“Alright,” Alex said with a shrug. “Primus decided that you guys couldn’t keep the peace as mechanoids, and he was fascinated by me, so he decided to turn you all human. And he made Cybertron organic. Which is where we are.”

There was a beat or two of silence, and then Megatron turned a death glare on Optimus.

“This is _entirely_ your fault,” he told the Prime coldly.

“My fault?” Optimus asked in surprise.

“The Allspark _possessed_ her, and you thought bringing her to Primus was a _good_ idea?!”

“I was hoping he might help,” Optimus said, arching an eyebrow. Megatron’s expression twisted into a snarl, and he twitched towards Optimus.

“Megatron,” Alex said sharply, and surprisingly, the former High Protector turned away, crossing his arms and glaring into the woods.

“Recriminations won’t help right now,” Optimus said softly. “We’re going to need to work together to get through this.” Megatron snorted and stalked off. Optimus shifted uncertainly, wanting to follow and get his brother to _understand_ , but at the same time knowing that it wouldn’t work. Not right now. He turned his attention to Alex instead, finding her watching him intently. After a moment, she nodded to herself, then headed over to him.

“Right. So I have next to zero _actual_ survival training, but watching Survivor taught me that three of the most important things for us to find right now are water, shelter, and food. Common sense dictates clothing would also be a good idea, despite the ‘contestants’ on that show having a strange aversion to the stuff,” Alex said. “However I doubt we’ll find clothes just laying around, so we’ll have to focus on the other three for now.”

“We also need to find the others,” Optimus pointed out.

“Yes, and you’re _both_ going to have to help with that, since from what little I got from Primus indicated that we all appeared on the surface in approximately the same spot we were at before,” Alex said, her voice raising pointedly. Megatron, still standing off to one side, didn’t indicate that he’d heard at all, and Alex shrugged before turned back to Optimus. “Once we’re all together, it would probably be a good idea to try and contact Earth, too.”

“No,” Megatron said harshly, proving that he was paying attention. He turned and walked over to them quickly, a determined set to his jaw now. “No contacting Earth, not unless absolutely necessary. Primus transformed us, and Cybertron, for a reason, and I refuse to believe that reason was to give the humans another planet to pollute.” Optimus glanced towards Alex, who shrugged.

“He didn’t tell me why, just what,” she said, then gave Megatron a warning look. “It will be hard to survive, and thrive, without outside help.”

“But when we eventually _do_ , we will have done it on our _own_. We won’t owe the humans anything,” Megatron said sharply. Alex glanced over at Optimus.

“I agree,” the Prime said after a moment of consideration. He gave Alex an apologetic smile. “Humans are an amazing race, but I would not want to deal with them outside of a position of strength. Too much of their history is littered with exploitation of the weak.”

“All good,” Alex said with a sigh. “Was just hoping to talk to Beth sometime soon. Ah well.”

“We’ll have to see what we can do,” Optimus said comfortingly, resting a hand on her shoulder. He blinked at the feel of fabric under his hand, and then the fact that he was resting his _entire_ hand on Alex’s shoulder and _not_ crushing her registered and he found himself fascinated by that. Alex’s laughter brought his attention back to her and Megatron, and he withdrew his hand and looked over at them to find them watching him with amusement. He cleared his throat, then turned to look around them. “We should get moving. We don’t know how much daylight we still have,” he said.

“About 8 hours,” Alex said casually, and he turned to give her an arched look. “Primus mentioned a few brief statistics. Cybertron is the same size as always, rotates on a 36-hour day, yada yada.”

“Anything _else_ he mentioned?” Megatron drawled.

“Flora and fauna are pretty much similar to Earth?” Alex replied thoughtfully. “Which, by the by, includes predators, but considering how scattered you all are, he said that we ‘wouldn’t have to worry about them for awhile’. How long _awhile_ is, I dunno.”

“Well, I suppose that’s something,” Optimus said with a shake of his head. “Hound was at Iacon base. He was absolutely fascinated by Earth - his knowledge will likely prove invaluable.”

“That spy of yours will know how to hunt,” Megatron mused. Whether any of his Decepticons would know how, he left unspoken, since they would all be clustered at his fortress in Kaon, which was nearly a third of the planet away from Iacon. Far out of their reach.

“True,” Optimus said with a nod. “But Mirage was farther out, scouting some of the destroyed districts. We’ll have to get back to the others first, then see about finding him, if he doesn't find his way back on his own.” Megatron nodded, then turned to Alex. She arched an eyebrow at his expectant look.

“What?”

“Which way should we go, foolish woman?” he said irritably.

“Who you calling foolish?” she demanded with a frown.

“You,” Megatron replied dryly.

“I’m not the one standing naked and dirty in the middle of a forest,” Alex replied with a sniff.

“That can be fixed,” Megatron said, a gleam in his eyes.

“Megatron,” Optimus said sharply. His brother snorted, turning to him.

“We need to have a direction before we set off,” he said. Optimus frowned.

“Given how much Primus decided to parallel Earth, I suspect that navigation will be similar, as well,” he said.

“And I suppose you know how to navigate without a GPS on Earth,” Megatron said sarcastically. Optimus arched an eyebrow. Megatron growled. “Of course you do.”

“Iacon would have been west of us,” Optimus said, looking upwards. “And considering how the sun has been moving...” Optimus trailed off, then turned and indicted the forest behind him. “That way should be west.”

"Are you sure?" Alex asked with a frown. "Because as far as I'm concerned, we're lost, and one of the few things I _do_ know about surviving in the wilderness is that if you're lost, you should stay put and wait for someone to find you. Barring any dangers to yourself in the area you're in, of course."

"And who, precisely, is supposed to come find us?" Megatron snapped. Alex narrowed her eyes at him, a low growl building in her, and Optimus sighed as he stepped between the two of them.

"It doesn't matter. I am sure of our direction. I also have faith that Primus will have mirrored Cybertron's original landscape in this new, organic one, and I know the land around Iacon well," the Prime said.

"Alright, fine, let's go get lost," Alex grumbled.

"Hooray," Megatron agreed sourly. Optimus pinched the bridge of his nose in aggravation, then turned and headed off.

"We should try and find that water first. See if it's heading in the right direction and stick by it," Alex suggested as she fell into step on one side of him.

"Iacon was built around an energon reservoir. According to the oldest geographic records, it was fed from east-west lines," Optimus commented. Alex looked at him blankly. "It's likely that the water will be going the right direction."

"Oh good," Alex said brightly.

"You know, I had a low opinion of your intelligence _before_ this. You may wish to keep your mouth shut to prevent it from slipping any lower," Megatron sneered from Optimus's other side.

"Wait, I can get lower than rock-bottom?"

"Evidently. That's what got us into this mess."

" _I'm_ not the one that built an elevator down to my planet core," Alex said with a sniff. "Nor did I willingly take the trip."

"Alex -"

"You couldn't resist saying hello once you were there, though, could you?" Megatron snapped over Optimus's attempt to apologize.

"Um, duh, hello, I'm a healthy, normal human - there's a reason we have sayings like 'curiosity killed the cat'."

"Or terraformed the entire planet," Megatron sneered.

"And I _told_ Primus that it was a bad idea!" Alex retorted, stopping walking to plant her hands on her hips and glare at Megatron. "It's not _my_ fault if a deity chose not to listen to me!" Optimus, a step ahead now as Megatron also stopped to argue, sighed as he turned to watch. He probably should have stopped them, but judging from how they'd been trying so far, they were obviously in the mood to snipe at each other. Hopefully if he let them get it out of their systems early, he could at least have a _little_ peace and quiet for the next few days. That was generally how it had worked in the Valley, at least.

"No, but it is your responsibility for putting yourself in that situation in the first place! You have said how many times that you wished to avoid all further contact with Cybertronian relics? And still you went over to _touch?"_

"Oh like it would have made a difference if I touched or not, in that - that - _temple_. He was already everywhere down there!"

"Which means that by your own previous declarations, you should have turned and run out the moment Optimus set you down!"

"Yeah well why don't _you_ try being sandwiched between a Prime and Primus with the Allspark egging you on!"

"So now you're not just blaming Primus and your human nature, but Optimus and the Allspark as well. Are there any other relics, deities, biological facts, or foolish idiots you would like to blame as well, or will you just admit that you are at fault?"

"Actually, _yes_ , while I'm at it, let's blame you! You and your whole damn war, not just for driving Primus to make this decision, but for forcing Optimus to launch the damn Allspark in the first place so that it could land on Earth!"

"You are reaching for excuses now, femme."

"You know, I'm not even sure why you're complaining - I would've thought you'd be glad that your face no longer looks like a giant metal vag!"

"And instead I'm a barely-evolved primate derivative that's so weak I could have squished myself by accident and not even noticed, before!"

"Oh because we're so weak when one of us managed to _kill_ you!"

"He took advantage of a rare opportunity! That makes him _opportunistic_ and _lucky_ , but still weak!"

"Now who's reaching for excuses?"

"I'll show you reaching for excuses, femme," Megatron snarled, then reached out and yanked Alex forward.

Optimus, moving forward instinctively to stop the violence he was sure was coming, instead froze in surprise as Megatron _kissed_ Alex. His surprise grew into shock as Alex's arms wrapped up around Megatron's neck, pulling him into the kiss as she enthusiastically responded. Optimus opened his mouth with the intent of saying something, but found the words fleeing for saner pastures when Megatron growled deep in his throat, one hand reaching down to grab Alex's ass. Her response was to grind up against Megatron, something that sounded suspiciously like a moan coming from her.

That was finally enough to kick Optimus's brain into working order again, and he jolted forward, grabbing each of them by a shoulder and pushing them apart. They stumbled away from one another, panting and surprised, while he stared at them incredulously. After a few moments, when what had just happened finally hit them, Alex blushed deep red, while Megatron shrugged off Optimus's hand and turned around, presenting them with his back.

"I. Um. Heh," Alex said, her blush not dimming any as she looked away.

"We should continue," Megatron said coolly after several moments. "It will be a long enough walk to Iacon without delays."

"Ah - right. Walking," Alex said, her mind clearly having gone elsewhere, judging from how her blush deepened. Optimus blinked, but let his hand drop from Alex's shoulder as he turned to look at his brother. Megatron was looking around, frowning, and then suddenly set off.

"The water is in this direction," he declared. Optimus glanced over at Alex, and found her watching the Decepticon leader go with an unreadable expression on her face. He narrowed his eyes and reached out to give her a small shove, which ended up being stronger than he'd intended, making her stumble to the side. He scowled at her as she glared at him.

'What?' she mouthed. Optimus gave her an incredulous look, motioning to Megatron's quickly retreating form. She glanced in his direction, then looked back at Optimus and shrugged. He crossed his arms and scowled at her again.

"You know, I could return to Iacon by myself, but I do believe I'd rather _not_ tell your weapons specialist that I left you two in the wilderness, Optimus," Megatron called back, irritated. With one last glare at each other, Optimus and Alex set off, leaving a good ten feet between them as they caught up to Megatron.

\---

The water turned out to be a fairly decent-sized river, and it was in fact heading mostly in the right direction, so they decided to follow it. They walked in silence, save for the occasional brief discussion about their journey. They stopped to rest once, drinking their fill from the water, and Alex commented that they should be on the lookout for food. Megatron sneered and dismissed himself from that duty, claiming he wouldn't know what organic food looked like. Instead, he resumed leading their little trio as Optimus was content to follow behind, trying to make sense of the day.

When the sky finally began darkening, they found a place to settle for the night. Unexpectedly, Alex began gathering twigs, plant matter, and snapping off the occasional branch from a tree, putting it all into a pile.

"What are you doing, Alex?" Optimus asked curiously.

"Fire," she replied, unexpectedly holding up a lighter.

"You not only brought a cylinder of compressed gas to another planet with almost no atmosphere, but carried it inside your _environmental suit?"_ Megatron demanded incredulously, speaking to Alex for the first time since that morning.

"George gave it to me before we left Earth. It's his lucky lighter," Alex said defensively. "I was going to leave it back in my quarters in Iacon, but I put it in my pants and forgot all about it with everything that's been going on."

"We should be glad she has it," Optimus commented, to forestall another argument. He glanced upwards. "We are further from the sun than on Earth - there is no telling how cold the night will get."

"I doubt Primus's intent is to have us all freeze to death on the first night," Megatron grunted sourly.

"No, but it will doubtlessly be rather uncomfortable regardless," Optimus replied. "Encouragement to build shelters." Megatron didn't reply as Alex set about trying to light her fire. She wasn't doing too good at it, though - she had trouble getting the lighter to start half the time, and when she did manage to get it lit and set it to the wood and leaves she'd gathered, the stuff would only burn briefly before turning to smoldering, smoky coals.

"Either of you want to help, here?" she finally growled.

"I lit fires with my cannon," Megatron drawled boredly.

"I'm afraid I'm also at a loss," Optimus admitted. Alex sighed, sitting back on her heels and observing the pile of wood.

"Fire needs oxygen, right?" she mused after a moment, and started rearranging the wood.

"Dry wood, as well," Optimus commented after a moment, suddenly recalling one of the briefings he'd had to pass around to his Autobots regarding weapons fire in exceptionally dry landscapes.

"All of the wood on this planet is less than a day old. I don't think any of it will be dry," Alex responded grumpily.

"Technically none of it should be fully grown into trees, either," Megatron pointed out.

"Would _you_ like to go look?" Alex asked him with a snarl.

"I wouldn't know dry wood from wet," he replied impassively, turning his attention elsewhere. Alex snarled again and resumed trying to light her fire. This time, something managed to catch, and soon enough there was a small, incredibly smoky, but warm fire burning.

"We'll need more wood before it gets completely dark," Optimus observed.

"I'll go," Megatron immediately volunteered, despite his previous denial of knowing what to look for. He stood and headed off without giving Optimus a chance to point that out, however. In his sudden absence, the Prime turned to look at his charge. Alex squirmed uncomfortably under his gaze.

"I should go make sure he knows what to look for," she declared suddenly, jumping up and hurrying off.

"Alex -" Optimus called after her, but she just waved over her shoulder. Sighing, he turned back to the fire. Chromia and Ironhide were routinely more subtle than that, he mused to himself as he rested his head in his hands and stared into the flames.

**\- THE END -**


End file.
